Furry Little Christmas

Betcha can't watch just one

This movie was not about a busy big-city furry who meets a rugged small-town furry at a Christmastime furry convention—unfortunately.

So what was this movie about? It was about a veterinarian and a doctor who fall in love at Christmastime in a small Vermont town, and I watched it because it was leaving Amazon Prime in 8 days.

But wait, I hear you say. Didn’t you just watch a movie about a veterinarian and a doctor who fall in love at Christmastime in a small Vermont town, because it was leaving Amazon Prime in 8 days?

Why yes. Yes, I did.

So this is…a different movie about a veterinarian and a doctor who fall in love at Christmastime in a small Vermont town, that is also leaving Amazon Prime in 8 days?

Yes. Yes, it is.

I guess the writers rolled the same sides on the Story Dice and just decided to go with it. They probably figured nobody would watch them back-to-back, because that would be objectively insane.

So in this movie (which, again, is not Christmas in Evergreen) Scarlett is a big-city veterinarian with a blowout and giant white teeth who is returning to her rural Vermont hometown to spend Christmas with her widowed dad. Along for the ride is her ten-year-old son Milo (I guess The Same 8-Year-Old Girl From Every Christmas Movie was busy) and pretty much the moment their Amtrak rolls into the station Milo and her dad are like “so hey, you gonna move back to Vermont or what?”

And Scarlett, who looks like my former neighbor who is the only person in history to have successfully made money off an MLM and who delivers every line like she can’t quite remember your name and is hoping you’ll say it first, is like “but I don’t want to move back to Vermont, I like being a single mom in NYC even though my apartment costs five thousand dollars a month and my kid has to take seven trains and a bus to his charter school.”

As part of his campaign to get her back to Vermont, her dad (who is also a veterinarian) makes her go be a midwife for a cow that’s giving birth. Wait, isn’t there also a helping-deliver-a-calf scene in Christmas in Evergreen? There sure is! In Christmas Movie Vermont cows don’t wait until spring to give birth and so because it’s cold out they can’t just give birth standing around in a field like they do in Real Life Vermont. Afterward, still covered in cow goo, she meets hunky country doctor (say that five times fast) Josh in the grocery store. They argue over who gets the last box of Corn Flakes, and then they argue over whether veterinarians are real doctors (?) and then they both leave and nobody gets the Corn Flakes.

(Silly Santa, Corn Flakes are for closers!)

Then the movie realizes it still needs to do Christmas movie clichés, but it can’t do any of the ones from Christmas in Evergreen because they already ganked the birthing-cow thing (and, y’know, the entire plot) and this is a problem because that other Vermont Christmas veterinarian/doctor rom-com already did all of them, except of course a sleigh ride.

So, okay, this one has a sleigh ride? NO. Still no sleigh rides, because they blew their entire budget on dogs and a kitten and a literal goat that is clearly on opioids because it just sits calmly while she stitches up its booboo so anyway, so they didn’t have any money left for Clydesdales. (I know you think I forgot the cow but I didn’t; that happens offscreen).

Right, Christmas movie clichés:

Christmas in Evergreen has ice skating.
A Furry Little Christmas has roller skating, on one of those outdoor winter roller rinks that are all over Vermont.

In Christmas in Evergreen, they bake Christmas cookies.
But Furry Little Christmas has a motherfuckin’ bouche de noelle.

Christmas in Evergreen has a Christmas festival.
In Furry Little Christmas they go to the Nutcracker, and Josh pretends to be Santa and gives out gifts in his doctor’s office, and they also have a screening of Miracle on 34th Street in Josh’s basement and Milo doesn’t even clobber them over the head with a candy cane even though Josh and Scarlett spend the whole (2.5-minute) movie talking.

I thought maybe they’d swap the hot cocoa for eggnog but nope: still hot cocoa.

(Is it weird that I found her dad kinda hot?)

At this point Josh and Scarlett are in love and Josh is like, “hey you should move to Vermont!” And in what must be the most sensible monologue in all of Christmas romcom history, Scarlett is like: “that’s ridiculous, we’ve known each other for five days and I’m not uprooting my whole life and moving to rural Vermont just because you have a good feeling about us.”

But then the next morning is Christmas and she’s like “lol j/k actually I am gonna do that and here’s a cat in a box.”

Then I can only assume she moves back to her rural Vermont hometown and regrets it as soon as she realizes that half the town remembers her 15-year-old goth phase and her gynecologist is Allison from Geometry Class.